11.20.08
Hide and Seek
This is not, I repeat, not, a food-related post.
The cats and I have this game we play. It’s called Hide and Seek.
It goes like this.
First the cat gets up, in what one would call a huff except that the cat has been asleep to this point and no actual huffworthy events — indeed no events at all — have transpired since the cat was observed to be dead asleep.
The cat stalks off with a determined look on its face.
From some other part of the house, there is the ceremonial Pre-Vomit Show, which at my house can be one of two things. In Fez’s case, it is constituted by a protracted series of Monkey! Monkey! My Stomach Is Escaping! Help! Help! Help! Yowls, and in Callie’s case by the even more advanced and viscerally affective Crescendo Of Gagging And Making Horrible Strangling Noises.
The human, therefore, is able to hear the general direction in which the cat is making its play, but not determine the precise location. Attempts on the human’s part to find the cat during the Pre-Vomit Show are Not Fair Play and the human is obligated to forefeit one (1) point, which is be awarded to the Cat on principle. Human intervention in the Pre-Vomit Show will additionally necessitate the cat’s jetting off to restart said show elsewhere, unobserved by human eyes. Humans will thus be best served by following the rules, which clearly state that humans shall not attempt to commence vomit-amelioration measures until the cat has returned to its former sleeping spot or gone and found another one it likes better, whichever pertains.
This is where the human gets its turn at the game. The human, paper towels and other impedimenta having been collected, goes in search of puddles of things which have until recently been inside a cat. These will, as the name of the game suggests, have been most cleverly hidden, occasionally in plain sight so that you will find them by stepping in them, although research suggests that this ploy is adopted by cats primarily during the warmer seasons when the humans are more likely to be barefoot. If a human treads in the vomit, the Cat is assigned one (1) point per involved foot, with a half point (.5 points) bonus if it squishes between the human’s toes.
In rare cases the trodden-in vomit will represent the only available vomit puddle. If this is the case (not that the human will know it is), the Cat, as should be obvious, wins.
If, however, the human has not trodden in the only vomit puddle available (wise cats usually leave 2 or 3 for this reason), the game continues.
The human will search in vain all over the portion of the house in which the Pre-Vomit Show has recently been conducted, and will be unable to find the alleged effluvia anywhere. The human will be distressed at the thought that this may mean that the dog has somehow preceded the human into the Pre-Vomit Show Arena and has, with the wholesale relish that only a dog can muster, already cleaned up, as it were. (Note: Checking on the dog will reveal that the dog has been asleep in the dog bed the whole time.)
At the moment the human checks on the whereabouts of the dog, the Cat is assigned one (1) point. (Note: In households without a dog, the Cat will be assigned one (1) point anyhow, on the basis of the fact that the Cat has obviously waged a successful campaign for a dogless household and should be recognized for this achievement.)
The human will recommence the search for cat vomit. For each minute the human continues the search for the vomit, the Cat is assigned one (1) point.
If the human finds any vomit within five (5) minutes, the human is assigned two (2) points. If the human does not find any vomit within five (5) minutes but does find it within ten (10) minutes, the human is assigned one (1) point. If the human by some fluke of fortune manages to find all extant vomit puddles within ten (10) minutes, the human is awarded a number of points equal to the number of vomit puddles found.
For each puddle of vomit not found by the human within ten (10) minutes, the human is deducted one (1) point, which is assigned directly to the Cat.
Vomit puddles undiscovered by the human within 24 hours (1 day) earn the Cat an additional point per puddle undiscovered.
Vomit puddles undiscovered until the next time the furniture gets moved earn the Cat an additional fifty (50) points.
Scoring is continuous and additive and the game does not end until the cat dies. Do not worry that the cat has not been recognized for its score achievements. The cat is fully aware that it won.