10.31.07
An open letter
Dear Closeted Conservatives,
I’ve been holding back from saying anything because really, I have better things to do, but clearly, you need some help. Yes, I mean you, and you and you and you and you.
You need some help because you keep getting yourselves into trouble when really, all you’re trying to do is get your knobs shined. And I agree with you, it’s a free country, and assuming everyone is of legal age and consents, there is nothing at all the matter with wanting to bust a nut.
Nevertheless, this is something that thousands, even millions of people succeed in doing at every hour of the day, every day of the year, without falling on their faces in some egregious stupid way and getting to enjoy a steaming helping of public humiliation in the newspapers.
If they can do it, so can you. Here are some tips to help you get the lovin’ you crave without all the blackmail, arrests, career damage, and public shaming you don’t.
Tip #1: Come out, come out, whatever you are!
Seriously, this is why a lot of people come out of the closet. It’s not because there is some inbuilt queer mandate to share the details of one’s sex life. Coming out, more than anything else, simply makes for accurate perceptions. When folks know you’re queer, they’re not shocked, surprised, offended, or prone to run hooting to the paparrazzi when you turn out to be… queer. All you have to do is belly up to the adult responsibility bar and say “hey, I’m gay” or “hey, I’m bisexual” or even “hey, I’m a horndog and an opportunist and I say any port in a storm.” Really it’s just a matter of honesty. You know, being straightforward and truthful about the things you do and will do, the things you care about, the things you stand for. Or behind, as the case may be, I’m not judgmental. Practice in front of a mirror until you can say “I am queer” without twitching. Then try it at a press conference.
Tip #2: If you can’t be bothered to come out, at least try not to look like you’re an utter jackass and an idiot to boot when you get caught.
Let’s face it, gentlemen. People who suddenly can’t remember that they fucked someone whom they just fucked look like tramps. Stupid tramps. And no, no one is going to buy a roofie sob story when you’re still wearing the trashy polyester lingerie under your suit, li’l buckaroo, so you might as well stand up straight and wear your trashy lingerie with pride. (It worked for Tim Curry.)
People who change their tune when confronted with the fact that they were having, or even merely seeking, sex with someone not their lawfully wedded heterosexual wife look like furtive schoolboys trying to hide the Playboy they shoplifted before the teacher finds out.
People who inexpertly cruise public tearooms expecting not to get busted, then wave their title and office around thinking that it’s going to get them off the hook, look like they have a gigantic entitlement problem, and believe that a title or an office makes them above the law.
People who claim they weren’t behaving in an inappropriately sexual manner when they clearly were, or who claim that they weren’t lying about their sexual lives when they clearly were, just look like lying liars who lie badly. This goes double, maybe quadruple, for anyone who is gonna stand up and say with a straight face that they thought offering someone a blowjob was a good way to avoid getting jumped. Seriously, guys, if you’re gonna lie, learn how to lie like Nixon did. Have some style.
Tip #3: Don’t hold up your wives and children as proof that you’re not queer.
As the unfortunate example of Brit and K-Fed attested, any two people can get married in this country, as long as they are not both of the same biological sex. Hell, you DOMA-sucklers are all about that. But there isn’t a marriage license in the world that’ll spontaneously combust if a queer person puts a signature on it. Furthermore there is no Wasserman test to sniff out any of that evil queerness before the Justice of the Peace will let you say “I do.”
Say it with me, gentlemen: Marriage is not proof of heterosexuality, it is a legal contract.
Similarly, queer people have kids. All the time. They even did it before artificial insemination. Many of them, in fact, did it through the expedient venue of actual legal marriage (see above). Queerness does not in fact create reproductive malfunction. It just means that you may be less likely to procreate by accident.
Repeat after me: Heterosexuals don’t make people. People make people.
For those of us who already know these things, it doesn’t make you look any better when you stand there next to your thin-lipped, grimly present wives, your children beside you barely able to keep themselves from rolling their eyes at being dragged into yet another idiotic photo op on behalf of Daddy’s career. It makes you look like you’re an asshole who disrespects and lies to his family and then shamelessly uses them to bolster his own sagging ratings in the public opinion polls. Remember Tip #1? Yeah. Your family doesn’t like it when you don’t have the cojones to be honest up front, either.
That’s it! Be honest up front, don’t lie and cheat and squirm if you get caught, and stop disrespecting your families. That’s all it takes! See, it really is all about good old fashioned American values after all.
Good luck!
Your friend,
Hanne