08.25.07
Feast or Famine: A Spam Love Triangle
There’s this poor girl who keeps sending email to my spam filter who says that her boyfriend’s penis is so small it keeps slipping out when they have intercourse.
Then today she sent me email saying that her boyfriend’s penis was too large for her mouth, so she can no longer give him oral sex.
Some questions have come to mind:
a) Do you suppose this is in reference to the same man?
b) Do you suppose they’re both really from the same woman? They do have the same name. But different e-mail addresses.
c) Or is the girl two-timing the guy with the small penis?
d) If she is, does he know?
e) If he knows, does he care?
f) Do you think he gets angrier about her two-timing him, or about her disclosing personal information about his genitals to random people on the Internet?
g) If these are two separate men, do you think the second guy believes that the girl is only with him because of his gigantic schlong?
h) If these are two separate men, do you think the first guy believes the girl is only sleeping with the second guy because of his gigantic schlong?
i) Which of these two guys is more likely to be willing to get out of bed early to go down to the corner for bagels and coffee and a newspaper in the morning?
j) Which of these two guys actually pays more attention to the woman’s sexual pleasure? (I am not the only woman of my acquaintance to have perceived that guys with Louisville Slugger-sized whangdoodles often fail to perceive the need to have any actual, y’know, technique.)
k) Has her mother met both of these guys?
i) Which of them was nicer to her mom?
j) Would you call the second email a complaint, or a boast?
k) Do you think the guys who buy penis enlargement products are more afraid of ending up in the first scenario or the second?
l) Do you think the guys who buy penis enlargement products would buy them if there were a realistic chance that using said products would mean they’d never get another blowjob?
m) Do you think the second guy used penis enlargment products, or is he just a ringer brought in for the occasion?
n) Hasn’t anyone told this poor girl about Kegel exercises?
o) Hasn’t anyone told this poor girl that God gave men hands and tongues for a reason?
p) Seriously, most of the women I know (and I know some very highly sexed women) don’t get quite so exercised about the sizes of their partners’ penises, so why is this woman so fixated?
q) Do you think this woman suffers from penis envy?
r) Would it help matters, do you suppose, if they had a threesome?
s) Or would that only make things worse?
t) Did this woman meet either of her two partners through online personal ads?
u) If so, were they on some “adult” personals site, or on a regular one?
v) Did the guys send her dick pix to help her make her choice?
w) Why does this woman feel so compelled to share the details of her personal life with strangers, anyway?
x) And where did she get my e-mail address?
y) Is she related to the bored Russian girl who wants me to go look at her pictures?
z) Is it perhaps the same man, and the same woman, and indeed the same penis, only the woman has an extraordinarily capacious coochie and a preternaturally tiny mouth?